somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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