if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Randomize
