Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
