how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Randomize
