My Higher Power is John Stamos
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
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