She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
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