I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
real busy. everything is packed. thats why we ended up at the strip club
is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
Randomize
