like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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