Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
you traded sex for a burrito?
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
