We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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