i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize