It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Randomize
