He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
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