I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Randomize
