I'm sorry my penis didn't work
hdsncx Gizmo asnqw toilet blanasdi
ok, stay where you are, be there soon
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
Randomize
