I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
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