if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
