I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
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