By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
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