I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Randomize
