I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
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