CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
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