how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
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