dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
Randomize
