i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Randomize
