I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
how do you play pong handcuffed?
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
