I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
