I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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