nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
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