I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
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