Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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