piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
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