I need to stop coming to work sober
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
Randomize
