I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
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