I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize