I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Randomize
