i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
