the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Randomize
