I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
I have fence marks all over my body
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
Randomize
