Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
