By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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