So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
Randomize
