What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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