Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
