I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
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