His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
Randomize
