I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
