somebody snuck up and got me drunk
Your mouth is God's brothel.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
Randomize
