Ross. Joey. Chandler. Who would you do?
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
