Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
