once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Randomize