fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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