i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
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