i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
Randomize
