Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Randomize
