i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
I checked into jail on foursquare
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Randomize
