I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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