I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
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