Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize