someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
We had sex on a dog bed..
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
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