Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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