I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
It was a blind-side dick pic.
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
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