Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
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