Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
Randomize
