just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
