Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
Randomize
