Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I hope this doesn't change things. I feel that me being a minor made it more exciting.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
