He disabled his match.com account in front of me
you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
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